CATS = FAIL
What do you think of cats? What are your thoughts on cats? What is your opinion on cats and cat noffling? I would like to add to the discussion with these questions.
Here is my take:
Cats are alot like eating raw chicken: great in theory, but in practice, not so much. My relationships with cats usually go like this:
I see a cat, like the one below.
I reach my hand out to the cat, and say something like, "hello little kitty!"
And then the I am teleported outdoors and the cat turns into a different cat and becomes much angrier.
And I'm all like "whaaaa?"
I try my hardest to be nice to cats and say hello, but they always act freaked out like I'm going to noffle them or something.
And you know what? If they think I'm a cat noffler, then so be it! I decided that I would become what they think I was, in order to prove them wrong about me being what they think I am!
To that end, I purchased all of the equipment necessary for noffling cats. Dig it:
Tuning fork: 14.99 $
Coffee Mate Creamer: 5.99$
Robot kitten: 29.99 $
Using this equipment I have effectively noffled three Cats so far. It's sweet, baby!
For those of you wondering how cat noffling works, I will explain it to you briefly:
1) Find a cat.
2) Pour creamer behind the cat.
3) Throw the robot kitten in front of the cat to scare the bejeesus out of it.
4) Watch as the cat runs backward into the creamer and slips like a stupid idiot lol.
5) Run up to the cat and bang the tuning fork on the ground next to him.
6) Yell something to the effect of "LOLZ, you has been noffled!"
7) If you did it right, the cat should walk up and kneel before you as a sign of submission.
8.) At this point, use the tuning fork to stab two holes in your noffling t-shirt which you should already be wearing, in order to indicate one successful noffle.
9) Tell the cat to go away, and, if it wasn't counter-noffling you, it should run off.
10) If it was counter-noffling you, then good luck mate. jajajaja XDDDDDDDD !!
Now, in order for you to understand the tuning fork shirt puncture to successful cat noffling's ratio, I have made a handy dandy scale:
With a double pronged tuning fork:
2 holes in your noffling t-shirt = one noffling
4 holes in your noffling t-shirt = two nofflings
6 holes in your noffling t-shirt = three nofflings
8 holes in your noffling t-shirt = four nofflings
10 holes in your noffling t-shirt = five nofflings
And so on, and so forth.
With a triple pronged tuning fork:
3 hole in your noffling t-shirt = one noffling
6 holes in your noffling t-shirt = two nofflings
9 holes in your noffling t-shirt = three nofflings
12 holes in your noffling t-shirt = four nofflings
15 holes in your noffling t-shirt = five nofflings
And so on, and so forth.
I've seen people walking the streets with so many holes in their shirts that it's not even funny.
There was a man that popular society refers to as a "hobo" walking the streets yesterday.
People regard that man as "lame", but I say, HE IS A HERO!
People like to rant about how awesome Bono is, and how cool and nice the Dalai Llama is (why do people like a Llama so much anyway? They spit EVERYWHERE :/) and those guys have no holes in their shirts AT ALL?
What kind of man goes his whole life without noffling a cat?
I mean, what are we, if not summations of our actions? If a man spends his entire life sitting in an office cubicle and taking crap from feline fiends, then what good was his schooling, and his hard work, and his sweat and his tears?
What is love without war? What is petting without beating? What is living without noffling?
We sit around, day after day in our easy bake chicken suits, thinking of better ways to make our bellies fat and our minds small; we are the muffin peddling sidewalk scum of the universe!
It is no wonder that nature is beginning to turn against us; we no longer dominate it!
Cats mock us with their eyes; hamsters defy us with their incessant chirping! how long before the Caribou we so long to protect come forth from the perpetual darkness of ANWR and urinate all over are wives and our children, and our dogs?
WHAT ARE WE???
There is a fight to be had! In the forests, and the schools, and the bars, and the clubs, and in the dark places of the earth, where only the eyes of insidious rodents and lepers see!
We must hold hands, and raise our tuning forks in unison!
Step forth! Make war! Give unto the bastard animals that which they deserve!
Because if we do not, then we might as well be lemurs.